Mum Rage and How to Cope in the Moment

I want to normalise feeling overwhelmed and the moments of rage that creep up on us when we are not expecting it. With all the challenges that motherhood brings there is so much pressure for new mums to cope. We feel a need to meet high expectations with limited support, not just because it is expected, but because we want to give the newest member of the family the best start in life. Society is not set up to support new parents. Parenting is an all consuming responsibility that we are meant to somehow fit into an already busy life.

Whilst the complexity of overwhelm is something that needs our attention, I want to focus on what you can do when your bucket is full and the stress is building. Whether it’s the lack of sleep, constant crying, the mental load or the all consuming weight of responsibility, it's easy to feel like you are no longer able to give any more of yourself. 

Trying to manage overwhelm and building a support network has many advantages.  Developing strategies for long term coping is essential but what about in the crux moments? Let’s start out by acknowledging there is no wonder you are feeling this way AND you are NOT alone. 

In a world where motherhood is portrayed as all sparkles, love, fun and joy, mothers are in the habit of suppressing this pent-up pressure into deep, dark corners, and if they do bubble over, it’s with a whole lot of shame and guilt. 

As society starts to recognise the pressure felt by many women, ‘Mum Rage’ is becoming a more familiar term. An uncontrollable, inexplicable anger that takes over in the heat of the moment and leaves you feeling like you no longer know yourself. These deepest, darkest moments of motherhood are more common than you probably realise and to be able to normalise and address them we NEED to talk about them. 

If WE can use these moments to take action we can help our children understand how to cope in stressful situations too, a valuable tool for any parent. You may have already experienced that when your stress levels increase so does your child's and this can contribute to the escalating situation.

One reason for this is the mirror neurons which can help our children regulate their emotions. Essentially if we can be calm with our tone of voice and facial expression, then they can too. If we are losing it then they can’t possibly hold it together either.

5 Easy Techniques to Diffuse Mum Rage

1.Push Against a Wall – When our body is activated by stress, taking action and pushing against something will allow the body to use up that nervous or stress energy.

2.Time Out/Lie down – Can you set up a space so you can leave your kids alone for a short time in a safe place? This is age dependent obviously but a chance to take a break for just a few minutes to gather yourself. You could then implement tip 3 or 4. If you can’t leave the room then simply lie down on the floor, don’t be surprised if the kids join in, it should take the energy in the room down.

3.Breathe – Take a deep breath might feel like old news but science is on our side here. An easy breath to remember is to exhale like you are softly blowing through a straw, this can be done anywhere. You can even go for a full open mouthed sigh out (loudly if you don’t care who hears) 

4.Humming - is less conspicuous but works on more than one level and can be done relatively quietly. I often do this one in the car and the kids don’t even notice. Humming activates the vagus nerve which communicates chilled vibes to many of your major organs, helping them and you to relax.

5.Get Outside – A change of scene can help everyone, if you can get to a green space all the better but the Mental Health Foundation found that interacting with your window box/ plant or sticking on a nature documentary also has value.

As we get better at allowing our children to have emotions instead of suppressing them we can use these difficult moments to model how to resolve and repair relationships. I don’t mind admitting that after the first few times of losing my s**t in front of my children, I used to withdraw consumed by the shame and guilt instead of apologising for the way I had reacted. 

After a bit of soul searching I realised that this was a great opportunity to show my children how to deal with the aftermath of an argument or outburst. Apologising to my children not only allowed me to reconnect with them but I noticed that my children started to apologise after their upsets too. I would like to make it clear that this doesn’t happen EVERY time my kids have a meltdown. It did highlight to me, however, that they learn far more from what you do than what you say.

If you are struggling to cope with any aspect of your pregnancy or parenthood please reach out to a family member or health professional. 

By Caroline Meadows

Therapist & Hand in Hand Parenting coach 

  For more tips, support or upcoming classes find me www.consciousconnectedliving.com

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